Recently while watching a stage of the Eneco Tour my husband asked ” if you were a professional rider, what type of rider would you be?” Now it would be nice to think of oneself as a multiple Grand Tour or stage winner, but that would just be wishful thinking, particularly in my case.
I decided to give the matter some serious thought. Of course, while I have the right attitude and mind set to compete at the highest level, I’m sadly lacking in that all important requirement: talent. Also, let’s not forget the almost total absence of the requisite bike-handling skills. I get skittish riding in a small group, riding in the peloton would totally freak me (and them) out. No good sending me back to collect the water bottles for the team. I don’t know about sticky bottle syndrome, I’d be off my bike and under the car’s wheels before the first handover had even taken place. I’d never be able to pick up a musette, much less empty it into my back pockets. Let’s face it, drinking one-handed is the sum total of my accomplishments. The peloton would soon learn to give me a wide berth, lest they end up all going down around me like dominoes.
So I guess I’d probably be either up the front as one of the regular escape artists or out the back endeavouring to make the cut, forever the lanterne rouge. I’d be viewed as “courageuse” by commentators and spectators alike and probably prove popular with the team’s sponsor thanks to the amount of television and press coverage I would garner. I would of course need this to make up for my total lack of results.
I would also have to lose an awful lot of weight, again not my forte. Knowing my luck, I’d end up on a team that wore white shorts. Does my butt look big in this? You bet it does! Frankly, this is looking more and more like a nightmare scenario. Patently, I am unsuited to life in the professional peloton and I haven’t even mentioned the pay, which truly sucks for all but a handful of riders. There are much easier ways to earn a living.