Good bye, not au revoir

The funeral of my uncle who died recently was held today. Unfortunately, neither my beloved nor I could attend. Indeed, it was a very select group, my immediate family (total 5), plus his companion, her daughter and partner boosting numbers to 8. A total of 9, if you include the vicar.

My uncle had pre-arranged and pre-paid for his funeral, very considerate.  But had not given any thought to the details. What music would he like, which hymns and what would he like to wear? Yes, I know it’s all very ghoulish but it’s so unwise to leave the choice to your nearest and dearest, who may not have a clue.

This situation got me thinking about how I would like to be despatched. Not that I’m suggesting it will be anytime soon, but it’s best to be prepared. I could be sent to meet my maker by any passing, careless motorist. I’m quite happy to be cremated and would like my ashes sprinkled in the Mediterranean, near where I live. Don’t forget to check the direction of the wind; otherwise you’ll be wearing me. I would like to be dressed in something slimming and flattering, nothing in lycra. I think a black trouser suit, with a Hermes scarf at the neckline, my wedding ring, earrings and (for once) heels.

No hymns, no singing (no one in my family can carry a tune) just a selection of my favourite tunes:

  • Knocking on Heaven’s Door sung by Guns & Roses
  • Going Underground sung by The Jam
  • Memories  sung by Barbra Streisand

I know, it’s all a bit tongue in cheek, but I would much prefer to raise a smile than a tear. I most definitely want neither eulogies, nor tears.  If I pre-decease my sister Lynn, I will permit her to read one of her excellent, witty poems penned specially for the occasion. When you’ve lived to a ripe old-age (and I intend to), funerals should be a celebration of your life.

Please serve oodles of champagne at the small reception afterwards, one of my favourite rosé vintages, Laurent Perrier or Gosset, with a selection of my favourite nibbles: caviar, smoked salmon and fois gras. Please don’t waste your money on flowers; just one simple, all white wreath, composed of lilies will suffice. Classy and elegant is the tone I’m aiming for here.