One from the vaults: Open Letter to Spammers

I wrote this back in October 2011 but, guess what, it’s still very relevant!

Dear Spammers

Frankly, I’ve had it up to here with Spam on my email accounts and my blog, so I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight. OK, I know my name is a bit unusual but surely my photograph gives it away, I’m female. So I have no need of any aids to lengthen, strengthen or enlarge an appendage I don’t possess. Nor is my beloved in need of any assistance in this department. If he ever is, we’ll contact you, not the other way around.

I am not in the habit of knowingly buying copies of designer goods. In fact, I’m not overly fond of brands which expect me to provide them with free advertising. Want me to wear your label? Please contact my agent. It therefore stands to reason that I wouldn’t buy fake handbags, watches, jewelry etc etc. I do hope you get the picture. I’m a law abiding soul, apart from running the odd red light on my bike.

I am allergic to doctors and medicines, my only indulgence is a spot of Vicks Vapour Rub and frankly half the fun is having my beloved rub it into my chest. So, thanks, but I won’t be taking you up on any offers of cheap or generic drugs. I know I mentioned that clenbuterol seemed like the answer to my prayers “helps you breathe more easily and lose weight” but I was only joking. You can take a joke can’t you?

I’m not trying to lose weight but there’s no need to keep sending me emails offering on-line help and assistance.   Sadly, there is no miracle cure. If there were, no one would be overweight.

I don’t want or need to borrow any money. That’s why most of the world’s economies are in trouble – too much instant gratification. If you can’t afford it, try saving up for it. You’ll enjoy it all the more. Since I have no need to borrow, I have no need to check out my credit status. Nor have I been sold any financial products where I haven’t completely understood all of the small print. So I don’t need to sue anyone for misselling. Nor do I need to leave a cash sum for my nearest and dearest, I don’t believe in subscribing to temptation.

I have no desire to gamble on line. I’m an accountant we don’t gamble either with our money or with anyone else’s, we have better things to do with our time. We know that the house always wins and don’t like the odds.

Emails purporting to be from banks, building societies, utility providers, government officials, the tooth fairy, Nigerians offering large sums of money in return for assistance, all requesting details of my bank account and my passwords do I look stupid? No, I thought not.

I have no need of any bells or whistles to drive readership to my blog. Its sole intent is to keep my family and friends apprised of my daily life in France. I am seeking neither endorsements nor advertisements. If others find their way to my blog and derive some enjoyment and amusement from my musings then that’s fine. If you send me messages which bear absolutely no relation to the blog entry in question and are clearly some blatant attempt to sell me something, then guess what? I just delete them.

I do hope I have made myself crystal clear but I’m sure there’s still some of you out there in Spamland who’ll blithely ignore my sound advice. But, hey that’s life.